The twelfth and penultimate year of schooling.
Slowly descending into insanity.
A camping trip to remember.
Lavender's time neared.
Death and all of his friends watched.
Catharsis, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.
Finding the greatest thing ever to happen to my life.
Meeting new and fabulous people.
And now, it ends.
Of all the things to happen this year, living through it and discovering My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was the best, possible, thing. Thank you to Lauren Faust and Studio B for making such an amazing show.
May the final year be as terrible, amazing and memorable as the last.
Survive a new year, everypony.
-Joseph
I've never felt better about myself in the past few months of so, ever since that fight broke out with my parents. But I knew it couldn't hide forever, that it would slowly creep back into my mind, and engulf my thoughts once more, as if I were doomed to carry such a burden. Whereas the last round was one of despair and hopelessness, this time, there is none of the kind. I can't even associate either forms of my alter-ego Lavender to these feelings anymore, they have long gone. So why is it that when times are at their best, that I feel obligated to die this time?
Gone are the thoughts of killing myself on June 1 because I couldn't take life anymore. In comes being so happy I could die. And a notion is telling me that 28 is such a time. I'm probably going insane. But if I am, I'm loving every moment of it.
October 26th, 2011
The beginning of this uh, muck-up week/day thing has gone somewhat normally, the only oddity being a set of lockers being completely turned upside down. But anyway, a bit weird to see the class of 2012 go, now that us Elevenths will be the elder year for the next few weeks...
Following school me and a few of my mates headed into the city for random wanderings before having to go to St. Patrick's Cathedral for choir rehearsal before the Year 12 Valedictory Mass. Again, weird feeling seeing as their time is coming to a close, even if I hardly talk to any of them. What's weirder is that we're going to be in their shoes in the coming weeks. Man, time sure does... fly.
After the mass, five of us decided to head out for dinner at some restaurant. Turned out to be some buffet, and we got stuffed. The food was great, and many awesome moments. Larry the Prawn, for instance. And Henry the baby octopus, lul. Ended up hanging around there for about two hours, getting fat, taking photos of things, generally dicking around with the food, yeah.
Afterwards? well, the five of us walked to Flinders Street. And sang church hymns (and Frosty The Snowman!) the whole way. It was hilarious, and a whole lot of fun, especially the reactions from general population and the buskers that we walked past xD We should have filmed it, but eh, when we tried it kinda failed. Guess things only really work spontaneously.
Missed the Sydenham train at Flinders, decided to get picked up at Footscray by catching the Werribee train instead with fellow friend Johnny. I survived, just so you know.
Finally got home, chatted it up with a few of the bronies on facebook and finished a literature oral. And now I'm here completing the first actual blog post in a while. And I think I'll just leave it at that.
signed
-Josephina Lavender Gaga-a
postscript: Tim better upload the photos and videos of our shenanigans on facebook today. or i'll rape him lolololol
So this is what the corruption feels like. Constantly having those thoughts in my head. Needing someone by your side. I'm on very shaky ground though, escaping the corruption could prove disastrous for Lavender, unless the corruption can repair things...
After six years of friendship, I never thought that of all people, I would fall for you. I love you, Elizabeth.
-Joseph Nguyen
-Josephina Gaga-a
I'm just going to go on ahead and put all of this out there, if it rids me of an already heavy enough burden.
The reason why I (or rather, Lavender) had wanted to end my life so soon was because of my dad.
For as long as I could remember, he was always ruling over the family like a tyrant. I was punished for the most trivial of things, and then punished for expressing any form of sadness. From time to time there was also the abuse. He would usually just come home from work and just let out his anger on us for no apparent reason, and it would annoy the most of us. Plenty of arguments would ensue between my parents of things like money, because he had a much higher income compared to my mum, and he would refuse to give her much money to pay for necessities, forcing the rest of us to live off on what my mum earned. Sure, he was nice at times, but they were few and far between, hidden among the many negatives.
My dad wouldn't let me go anywhere, forcing me into a reclusive status towards the end of primary schooling in pursuit of education so that I could get a good job. He was clearly obsessed with profit, and it was usually for himself. So by the time I had head into secondary school, something had changed. I was no longer the cheerful and easy to talk to sort of person. Lavender had appeared, only I had no idea of his presence.
Time passed, and in 2008 the first feelings of self doubt and the notion of taking my own life appeared, due to the then overwhelming stress of school, family issues and my quickly deteriorating emotions. The original plan was to die on my birthday, as I was sick of everything at the time, and I wanted to send out a 'screw you' message to my dad, but my willpower managed to push me through. I had a pretty decent birthday, too. Lavender wouldn't appear again until sometime in 2009, where the bouts of depression would start to occur more and more (but still not as much) and signs of deteriorating emotions began to show. I became quieter, often not wanting to talk to anyone except my close friends, and I began to find smiling extremely difficult, usually forced. But suicide was not on the agenda for that year. However a defining event of 2009 was the death of my aunt from colon cancer, at the start of June.
2010 marked a new era, with the moving of schools, which helped to ease a bit of the sadness, improved social life substantially and in general made for an amazing experience. But the sadness kept coming. Crying myself to sleep would happen occasionally, sometimes for several nights in a row. Emotions had deteriorated even further, turning me into a quiet, blank-expressioned shell. In this year, another two opportunities at death had decided to appear. The first was the aforementioned date of my aunt's death, June 1. I almost went insane in the countdown towards that date, but I managed. The second, more minor occurrence was my birthday, but that went by without any serious occurrence.
Later that year, I was re-united with GHOST through creepypasta. He had been something I had encountered back in my childhood playing Pokemon, and I had forgotten about him for years before stumbling upon the story of Pokemon Black on the Internet. I then became obsessed with creepypasta of the Pokemon variety, and the Lavender Town theme that I had once been so afraid of, was now an obsession. I also began to start seeing and hearing things that weren't there. Everywhere I went, I kept seeing that ghastly sprite of the GHOST. He was reminding me, that death was at hand. Also, I kept having horrifying visions - they usually involved one of the many ways I would plan to kill myself, and then cut to scenes involving me lying dead (but still aware of my surroundings as a ghost) around friends and family, all in mourning. I was reaching a crisis point.
Now to the present day, my head is occupied by Josephina, who is my reasoning and logic, what remains of my good emotions and hence my sanity. The rest of my head is occupied by Lavender, my sadness, whom for some reason, I have grown quite attached to. J and L act as if they are separate entities, separate people, even. At this point, I cry myself to sleep almost every week. Quickly losing my ability to cope with everyday life. Losing the ability to interact with others. And the next deadline for death is once again, June 1. I have grown quite tired of my current state, but i'm not completely done yet. If I were to die, my death would indeed be a final message to my dad, that you should change your ways, rethink your parenting strategy, or maybe others would end up like I did, such as my sister, who seems close to descending into darkness as well.
But what I can get out of all this is, despite the ongoing disease of the mind, i have successfully been able to refrain from self harm for all this time. However, if I were to survive, would I be sucked back into this continuous cycle of trying to kill myself every now and then? Lavender is rather convinced that this time, everything will end here.
I don't want to keep typing anymore. But I guess I do feel a little better after putting this huge chunk of text out there, even if it didn't really make too much sense. In times like these, I guess all I can do now is turn to God, that man up there that I have forgotten for all these years, and hope that I can find a way out of this. I hope to God that everything will be okay. Please Lavender, don't do this to the rest of us.
-Josephina Gaga-a
-Lavender Gaga-a
-Joseph Nguyen
It really had to be inevitable, did it. To fall for your closest friend. But to confess this to her? I guess jokingly asking her to marry me on Facebook was the first step. And now? I wait for an opportunity.
But will this save me? I'm not doing this for the sake of salvation, these feelings just came about on their own. I have 22 days.
-Joseph Nguyen
